|Michelle says, "While there may be detail differences, the events
in my life that have brought me to The Monticello Institute are probably
similar to yours. My story started when I was 9 years old and in
4th grade. A boy, a friend, in my school who was in the fifth grade
confessed to me that he was gay, and he asked me if it would be all right
if he could tell the other boys he was having sex with me, to protect his
sexual identity. I said ok. I just guessed that it would never
get back to me and if it did I could deny it. My parents were very
involved in the school district and knew all of my schools faculty.
Because I was responsible enough, I frequently would baby sit my assistant
principals children for money while he was at school functions, as my older
sister had. His kids were nice and well mannered, so it was not hard
work. Then one night when he was driving me home, as he had done
so many times before, he started asking me about some rumors he had heard
about me being sexually active with the gay boy I mentioned earlier.
I was very scared. I had been caught, I told him it was not true.
He gave me a big speech about telling lies and how much trouble I would
be in if he told my parents what he had heard at school. I did not
want to tell him the boy, my friend, was gay. While concentrating
on the discussion of my innocence I completely missed that he had left
our normal route home. I didn't know where we were except it was
dark and on a road in the woods. He pulled over to the side of the
road and sat quietly. He then pulled his semi erect penis out of
his pants and told me to touch it. I thought it was huge, but the
only other one I had ever seen was my baby cousins when I helped give him
a bath. I told him no, I wouldn't touch it, it was gross. Then
he told me I didn't know what gross was, and told me if I didn't touch
it he would tell my parents about me having sex. Scared that I might
be in big trouble if he told such a story, I touched it real quick.
He yelled no and told me to putt my whole hand on it and leave it there.
It was weird and hot and a little sticky from sweat. I could feel
it throbbing and getting harder and bigger. Then I took my hand off
and just as quickly he grabbed my wrist and he put my hand on it again,
and started stroking it with my hand. He told me to grab it harder.
He would let out breaths every now and then and I could smell the food
he had at the dinner he went to. Then I could see and feel the semen
dripping out a little, I didn't know what it was. I tried to pull
my hand away and then he made me lay down in the front seat and he pulled
off my panties, and started to finger my vagina and my anus, some times
together and some times separately. It hurt terribly and I cried
for him to stop but he didn't make a sound as he just kept going.
Then I noticed that he had his penis all the way out and it was pointed
at me, I screamed no. He told me if I made one more sound that he
would tell my parents that he caught me having sex with my friend at his
house when he got home instead of watching his children, and that I better
shut up, lay still and get my legs apart. I foolishly submitted and
he started to rape me. I was in terrible pain and he just kept humping
me no matter how much I asked, begged, pleaded, yelled and cried for him
to stop. He was done after a few minutes, and got off of me.
He got out of the car and went back to the trunk and came back with some
sort of linen and told me to clean up and get dressed. While I was
cleaning and crying he asked me if I was better than any 5th grader.
I didn't answer. He told me if I told anybody about this he would
deny it and tell everyone it was a lie I made up because he caught me having
sex with my 5th grade "boyfriend". Then he drove me home. I
managed to miss my parents and took a bath and went to bed. Some
of the pain I was having I later learned was because there was vaginal
and anal tearing.
This ended up being a recurring event over the next couple years. Every couple of months he would have an event to go to and I would get to be the baby sitter and his sex toy. It was awful. He would ask my mother if I could baby sit and my mom would say ok. I couldn't get out of it. I would plan things to get around it and my mom would unintentionally readjust my schedule so I could not get out of the baby sitting. I never told anyone what was happening. I never asked my sister if he did the same to her. I even stopped caring about my personal appearance and started to subconsciously put on weight to be fat so he wouldn't want me anymore. Then he got a divorce and didn't need a baby sitter anymore on a regular basis, except when he had the kids for a month in the summer. By my summer between 9th and 10th grade, I couldn't stand being abused anymore and decided to get out of this unpleasant event that summer and I got my dads pistol, and was going to end it once and for all and kill that monster. He picked me up at his house at the end of the evening and we went down his usual route and I told him what we weren't going to do. He said we were and kept on driving. My courage was growing with my fear and I could here my pulse in my head and feel it in my chest. I was even starting to have a hard time breathing normally. I had my hand on the pistol in my purse when he pulled to the side of the road. After he stopped he started to turn towards me and I said no. He said it was time and started to move toward me. I pulled out the pistol and pointed it right at his face, and he jumped back and stared at the pistol shaking in my hand. He sat still for a moment and then said I would never use it and then suddenly tried to grab it. Just as his hand grabbed my hand I shot the pistol. The gun was loud and the flash of the gun in the almost completely dark surroundings was like a huge flashcube in the dark. I couldn't see him because of the temporary flash blindness but as my ears stopped ringing I could hear him screaming. The bullet had grazed his cheek and shattered the driver side window, and the muzzle flash had powder burned his face. He jumped out of the car and was screaming. I didn't know what was going to happen. Then a police car drove up and asked if we had heard a shot. He told the cop that somebody had shot his car and just hit him and he wanted to get me home before anything else happened. The cop said he would call for backup and start looking for the shooter and let us go. Surprisingly he said I would never be his baby sitter ever again. I didn't say a word all the way home. I had won.
But I hadn't won anything. I had become a self destructive person. I didn't want to be with anyone, ever. I was trying subconsciously to stay unattractive, by being uncaring about my appearance, my weight and my health (smoking). I didn't really have a real boyfriend until I was in the 8th grade and even then I only went out with him because nobody else wanted to ask me and my fat ugly self out. I didn't even really have any friends that were girls either. My boyfriend and I were never any more intimate than kissing and I let him feel me up a few times, but I never touched him. I didn't really want to think about what he wanted. Besides, even though I was fat and ugly he was just plain ugly and nerdy. The next summer I went to work at my dad's heavy equipment company. I did it because I knew that nobody would hit on me and I would not have to talk to people who would judge me. My boyfriend also started bragging to his friends about having wild sex with me, even though we weren't. One of his friends showed up at my house when I was alone and told me he wanted some of that same wild sex my boyfriend was getting. I told him ok, because we weren't doing it. He laughed, and told me I was lying and that he was ready to do me. He pushed me down on my bed and told me to undress so he could take care of his problem, and proceeded to undress himself. I just gave up and knew that if I got this done real quick it would be done, real quick. So I took my clothes real quick, he was already hard and just stuck it in me while I was dry and started pumping me real hard and real fast. I just laid there through the pain, perfectly still and stared at him right in his eyes. 30 seconds later he was done and putting his clothes back on. I just kept staring at him while I dressed and he walked out. Later that day I told my boyfriend I was breaking up with him because of the lies he was telling about me. I didn't tell him (or anyone else) what happened. Except for in the school hallways, I never saw either one of them ever again.
While working that summer at my dad's heavy equipment company, I met the son of one of the co-owners, he was about my age and was a pretty good mechanic even though he was a teenager. He was nice to me in a way that other guys my age were not, and he was overweight and quiet like I was. We went on a couple of dates and we even kissed a few times. He was not a liar or aggressive like some of the other guys I had known. When we graduated from high school I went to college and he kept working at the heavy equipment company.
While I was in college I went through a very self destructive phase with alcohol, drugs, unprotected sex and bad relationships. Go and see my "MB Photo Other History Detailed" link on the preceding page for information and some pictures about my college life before you continue on this page. Then come back here and read more about my life.
While I was going to college I was working a few hours a night waiting tables at a Pizza Hut. It was mostly for a little extra spending money. Then one night during my senior year, right out of the blue, my old assistant principal showed up, all alone, at one of my booths. I didn't recognize him at first while I was taking his order, until he turned his head and I could see the scar on his cheek. When I jumped in surprise he grinned an evil, knowing type of grin. He was all dirty and smelly and messy like a wine-o charicature. I asked him what he was doing here and he told me that since he knew where I was, because he still got the school alumni newsletter, that he knew I had to be all lonely since I was still so fat and ugly. I told him I was just going to take care of his pizza and beer and not engage him in anymore conversation, turned and walked away. While I was preparing his beer I felt like the whole restaurant (8 customers, maybe?) was staring at me like he was and that maybe that they knew what had happened. I didn't know why or how but it was like I was reliving all of that horrible part of my childhood all over again, by that I mean my heart was beating very fast and I was having a hard time catching my breath and my eyes were starting to water up a little. When I took him his beer my legs were all weak and wobbly. Then I went to the bathroom and threw up, and collected my emotional self. Then his pizza was ready. I didn't want to ask the other waitress to deal with it because she might ask why. So I took the pizza to his table and as I arrived I noticed his whole pitcher of beer was empty. When I put the pizza down he looked at me and said "I know you haven't had as good as much sex as you did with me, so how about we do it one more time after you get off work". The silence before my answer of no seemed like an eternity, but I got it out. When I said no he said are you sure, do you remember what you are missing, and then he leaned back in the seat of the booth and showed me his big old erect penis. And while I stared at it in shocked disbelief and I was about to scream, a moment of calm silent insight into this very moment flashed through my entire body (almost like someone or something else was making my body do this), and with one quick almost kung fu movie like move I snatched the fork off of the table and moved it as quickly and with as much force as I could right down at his aroused dick. He fell out of the booth onto the floor and started screaming "she stabbed me" and everyone in the restaurant came running up and asking what happened and he showed them the fork stuck in his leg. Then they started asking me why I did that and I was still in a daze and then I pointed at and pulled his coat back and showed them his erect penis, that he tried to hide. Now the crowd was mad at him, and just as the cops walked in. The crowd told the cops what happened and they asked me if I wanted to press charges and I said no, if they could make him leave the city and make him never come back. The cops took him to the hospital and I never saw him again.
After I graduated form college with my computer networking degree, I went to work back home at the Microsoft Network help center as a pacific rim assistant. I did it so I could work late hours and avoid people and the world of socializing. I started to date the son of my dads business partner mostly because I knew him and he was about the only guy I didn't think would be mean to me about my weight. A year later he and I got married. He was still working as a heavy equipment mechanic at his and my dad's business. He worked long hours, late and on the weekends so the construction crews could have their equipment in good working order. I still worked late hours at the Microsoft Network help center and we were sort of not really married, because we didn't spend much time together. We had our first child, a beautiful little girl. A year after that we had our second child a darling son. But while we were each happy with our family we were not happy with each other and were drifting farther apart. Our work hours and family life weren't helping matters and I kept using food to make me feel good while I was alone. When we were together he wanted to have sex and didn't. I don't know what I wanted, but I knew I didn't want sex. Then I started to masturbate when I was alone and the kids were in bed asleep. Sometimes with my fingers, or bottles, or the jets in our jacuzzi. When I did this I didn't feel like I was being judged about my appearance and I could focus on me. After all I would go to work and punch a clock and punch a clock at home with all of my familial duties, and then my husband wanted me to punch the clock for him, which was the last thing I wanted to do. I was tired and wanted some me time before I would go to sleep, and sex was never me time. And I would have to clean up myself before we did it and then again after we did it, and his performance was not worth that much effort, and almost always left me wanting more, and he could not get me where I needed to be, and I didn't feel good about myself before, during or after we would have sex. When I masturbated I didn't have any trouble getting what I wanted but it wasn't what I needed and I knew it didn't help my marriage or our sex lives, which by now was almost nothing. I would have liked our marriage to be more fulfilling and our sex to be more fulfilling, for each of us, as well as improved self esteem, or less self awareness about my weight, size and shape. But given the circumstances and my depressed attitude, things were not getting better, at any level. I tried unsuccessfully various psychotherapy treatments, hypnotherapy, and weightless clinics as suggested by the psychologists. I even had my testosterone level checked because of an article I read in a health magazine, and it came back that I was normal. I even tried acupuncture and a few Homeopathic and herbal remedies, but none were helpful. In fact they usually failed and when they did I felt worse about myself.
Then I got a funny little flyer/questionarre in the mail from The Monticello Institute. I was literally at wits end, and the deal looked like a no risk, win-win situation, so I gave it a try. At first some of the fitness arrangements used to achieve my improved testosterone level seemed absurd, but I noticed that they did work at helping me increase my libido and if nothing else I felt a healthier. Even after I had a few changes in my tutors/trainers and finally got settled with Amy Linn I was still making a steady, even if slow, progress. Just prior to my move from Cori Nadeau's work group to Amy Linn's work group I received my Route 66 appointment. Some of that work that was used to induce my chemical change and pituitary triggers seemed like some of the oddest stuff ever. I originally just rebelled and said I was doing the work. I was even considering dropping out of the program. Pretty soon after that Amy caught me because certain physical changes had either slowed, stopped or regressed. They also caught me on a handwriting analyzer as telling less than the truth, or making written statements that were not as true as others. I admit it, I was lying. Then I started to follow the instructions very intently. When I had a problem with being able to do one instruction set or another I used Amy as more than my tutor and trainer but as a friend, pen pal and confidant (which is what I will do for you). Amy would encourage me through the difficulty and tell me how to encourage my husband in a way that made him encourage me too. Amy would also explain how what I was doing was changing my brain chemistry and body chemistry as well as my husbands and our relationship. Amy would also tell me how these changes would make me independent from the paths I had taken before. Amy has been great dear to me and has helped me change my entire life, and my job is to help you as Amy helped me. Maybe you will be able to help other girls after your graduation as a tutor as you have been helped.