|Breakthrough information about Sherry Graham. Follow up questions on the right and new questions at the bottom in the same chronological column.||
|Question||Sherry's Replies||Follow-up or Direction to Follow-up||Sherry's replies 08/18||Follow-up or Direction to Follow-up|
|1) What Mr. Giordano did to me was wrong.||Yes, me too. What Mr. Rivers did to me was wrong too.||End|
|2) I knew what he was doing was wrong but initially he had me in a way I couldn't escape.||Yes. The same with me.||End|
|3) It is true I did feel pleasure when he touched me in places I knew he shouldn't have.||I hated that I liked it. I didn't want to enjoy it, but couldn't escape the pleasure I felt.||Do you still hate sexual pleasure?||No, not at all. I love it.||What is your favorite sexual pleasure? What are the next 4?|
|4) I did return even though I could have stayed around other adults who would have protected me.||This bothered me. I didn't have to go back, but I always did. He lived right next door. He would lure me over by offering me money to clean out his dirty old Volkswagon bus. It always ended up the same. If only I had stayed away from him.||So are you admitting to purposely returning for the pleasure? One word answers don't work here, say why you went back.||Yes, but I almost think it was on a subconscience level. I knew it was wrong and hated him terribly. But deep down, I loved the way it made me feel. I had never felt that way before.||You're making huge strides of progress here Sherry. You are admitting to enjoying sex.|
|5) I did allow him to do what he did and whatever thoughts I had about it being wrong were not a consideration while I was being pleasured.||Yes, Me too. My head was more clear going in, I hesitated going into to his house because I knew where it would lead me. But deep down, I just enjoyed the pleasure I got so much, I went through with it. I almost felt like I must have had a dirty little mind like he had, but knew better.||Looking back, do you think you were addicted to the pleasure?||I wouldn't necessarily say addicted. Well, maybe I just don't WANT to say that. It was kind of coming across a new drug (not that I ever did drugs) that really got my rocks off.||Well, it meets the definition of addiction. It just happens to be a sexual addiction. Check the Good Science page.|
|6) I did know the difference between giving him good oral sex and bad oral sex. The bad oral sex had me sucking longer. The good oral sex had me sucking less.||This one was not the same for me, at least not on a conscience level. I didn't really know enough about oral sex to know what was good for him and what was bad. I was very naive.||Could you tell by his breathing if he was enjoying what you were doing? Could you tell by his breathing and physical reaction when he was about to ejaculate?||Yes, his heavy/sporatic breathing let me know he was enjoying it and was about to cum.||Ok. Earlier you were unsure because you didn't remember spitting so think back, when he did cum did you take it in your mouth and swallow?|
|7) I guess on some level I knew that no matter how much I hated all of what was going on I knew it always ended with pleasure.||Yes, me too.||End|
|8) That same pleasure always had me leaving embarrassed and ashamed.||God, me too. I felt so dirty when I left there. I just wanted to scrub myself silly. But I enjoyed it while it was going on.||Did you bathe after these events or did you just go play like a normal kid?||Sometimes I would bathe. Other times I would just try to clean myself up. If I took a bath in the middle of the day, there would be questions by my family. I think I would bathe if no one was home.||End|
|9) I also know that even when I was sucking his yucky old dick I was getting wet because I knew that pleasure was coming.||I did too. I didn't really understand at the time why I would get wet...like I said, naive.||Do you get wet now, when you give Scott oral sex?||No. Maybe just because it's not "wrong" with my husband. I'm not really sure why I don't.||That's a super answer Sherry. What's developing here is a a sexual addiction and an addiction to risky and inappropriate sex. See new assignment below in the Supplemental Question area.|
|10) So the concept of this pleasure which I considered a forbidden pleasure were all wrongly associated with pain, anguish, shame and utter embarrassment.||Me too. I think I have always had an unhealthy view of sex. It's never been a "beautiful thing" or natural in my eyes. It has always seemed wrong in a way and should not be discussed.||You said Scott knows a little about your molestation. Have you ever told Scott how good the pleasure felt?||No, and I never want to. I think he would probably think I was just a sick person if I told him how I felt.||I understand. He would really feel bad when he asked how he compared.|
|11) All of my life choices, both conscious and unconscious, prior to joining The Monticello Institute were aimed at making me unappealing. I even, during my adolescence, went through an appallingly ugly butch period where I was making myself unattractive to anyone who would want me.||Oh my God, I did too!! I never really understood why I did that, but it makes perfect sense. I didn't want anyone to find me attractive, and they most definately didn't. I looked absolutely awful.||End|
|11b) That backfired too. It made me fat and lazy too. I would sleep all of the time and eat myself to the point or nearly to the point of being sick. I would binge on every conceivable sugar, carb, and fat laden food ever made. If I was unwanted I couldn't have my heart broken.||It must be just a normal cycle of events. This described me to a T also.||So, now that you know what you know will you break the cycle and stop overeating, sleeping and wasting your day?||Yes, I will.||End|
|12) I know now, it wasn't the wrong guys chasing me, it was me laying bait or welcoming the wrong guys.||That was me too. It's almost like I wanted to wrong guys to fuck me and make me feel like Mr. Rivers did. Treat me the same way, where I felt ashamed and embarrased.||Since you've been opening up so much, adding and correcting a great deal to your life story, would you like to correct other items in your personal history?||No, I can't think of anything that needs correcting.||End|
|13) I know now I did it so I could create the same inappropriate pleasure embarrassment sense of wrong I had with Mr. Giordano. I didn't do it on purpose but I see now all subconscious signs point to that.||Me too.||Now is the time to stop holding back your secrets. For starters, approximately how many times did you and Clarence have sex? etc... All truths need to come out now. Hold nothing back.||I absolutely NEVER had sex with Clarence. I swear on my daughters life.||End|
|14) Ultimately, after a while Mr. Giordano and I were on a schedule, I would go back. It pains me to admit, but I had repeated opportunities to escape and to not return or miss those visits but I did go back. I knew what the outcome would be and am ashamed to admit it, but the pleasure clouded my judgment.||Me too. I'm not sure how often it happened, but it was a regular thing with us too. He used to threaten to tell my parents if I didn't come over, little did I realize, he would be hurting himself if he did that, so of course he would never have told them. Actually, they would have been on my side if he told them anyway.||Do you think you knew subconsciously that it would be bad for him and not bad for you and that you continued to return for the pleasure?||I knew if we got caught, it would be him that would be in deep shit. I was just an innocent girl being "forced" to do these bad things. He made it seem like other people would look at me as being just as bad a person as he was. I knew better.||And even though you new better you kept going back?|
|So as my life proceeded, my association of pleasure and shame caused me to pursue that pleasure and shame. It also caused me to keep things I loved and cared deeply about out of my deep dark closet where my shame and pleasure and shame of pleasure were stored.|
|Skip ahead further, I got married...|
|1) My husband Freddie wasn't a threat to what I had stored in my past.||No, Scott wasn't either.||End|
|2) He also had a low self esteem, and didn't think he was worthy, which worked out great for my low self esteem self because he didn't press me for sex very often.||Scott actuallly wrote me a letter saying exactly that. That he didn't feel worthy, knew he wasn't very big and had a low self esteem. Which was also why he probably never really pushed me for sex. Sometimes, (I guess when he was really horny) he would push a little harder and then get mad when I would refuse.||So would you say you selected Scott to live in your marriage of convenience?||Going in, I hadn't plan on life being this way. Since we were so happy and sexual at first, I really thought it would stay that way. As life went on, I lost my desire for sex.||What would do you need to do to revive the happiness and sexuality
in your marriage?
What does Scott need to do to revive the happiness and sexuality in your marriage?
|3) He never wanted anything but normal sex. He never lasted more than a minute or two so I never associated pleasure with Freddie.||Yes, that's me too.||So Scott never really gave you pleasure? For 20 minutes? With is 7 inch erection?||No, he did. At the beginning, it was really great! Sometimes, I think it may have actually gone on for more than 20 minutes, (but not much more).||End|
|4) If I stayed fat he'd leave me alone too, and so would the rest of the world.||Me too.||Do you still want to be alone?||No, I don't.. I want him to want me. I want to get my rocks off and I want to help him get his rocks off too.||He will want you when you give yourself to him unconditionally. Can you do that?|
|5) If I stayed sexually distant he'd never get associated with what I felt was wrong.||Yes, Me too.||Do you still want to be alone?||No. I want him to know what I feel is wrong. (To an extent) I don't want to bear my soul too much, for fear that he will think I'm a sick individual. I don't think he would understand.||He won't understand your association between sexual pleasure and child molestation. But he will understand you being sexually aggressive to him. What you want is not wrong. Don't bear any of your inner hidden secrets but do reveal your tendencies toward being an almost insatiable sexual animal.|
|6) I still wasn't happy with myself or my marriage, and I knew something was wrong with me.||I never wanted to admit to anyone that Scott almost never had sex. I hated myself and my marriage, but didn't want to throw it all away though. I knew it could be better.||What did you do to make it better?||I started to initiate sex with him. It used to always be him that would want it and try to get me interested. But I decided to be the instigator for a change.||I guess he stopped initiating sexual activities when he kept meeting the NO obstacle. Why did you stop initiating? See new assignment in the Supplemental Question area.|
|7) I took a little test...|
|Skip ahead to The Monticello Institute...|
|1) They showed me the way of so many others.||End|
|2) I wanted what they had but I didn't want to work for it and I didn't want to suck any dicks. I mean I didn't really know if I could suck my husbands dick. Remember how you held your fingers when your husband was doing you doggie style to show how much you felt, well I felt even less.||End|
|3) When I had to start sucking his dick it was like trying to suck a grape off of a bean bag chair. He was so small and I had to push my face into his layers of fat.||End|
|4) I would look at the pictures of the other graduates husbands and their enormous cocks and I wanted that in me. But I felt that was bad.||End|
|5) I used to focus on my clit too, and the orgasms were quick and great, but they weren't as fully satisfying as taking a big thick dick to the point of feeling like I was being split into two pieces.||I agree.||Kind of a short answer. What toys do you have that, when being used to penetrate, make you feel the same pleasure you got from Mr. Rivers?||Well, Scott had somehow got this enormous dildo (7 1/2 inches thick and 14 inches long) from a guy a work that got a bunch of sexual toys from an adult book store that was closing down and told the guy my husband works with "take whatever you want". I know Mr. Rivers was nowhere near that big, but it probably felt like that since I was so small (down there).||That's like my old one. Do you think you'll try it?|
|1) I like, prefer, need, big dicks because I got stretched out by Mr. Giordano when I was a kid.||That must be me too. It makes sense.||How big would Scott have to be to make you feel the same pleasure you had with Mr. Rivers? Lets, have a scavenger hunt of sorts. Go to the store (or around your house) with a watchful eye for something that you think would be a good size for Scott. Not a good size, but the size he needs to be to make you feel like he's ripping you open. You need to consider length and circumference. It could be beverage bottles, shampoo bottles, PVC tubing, etc... There is no bad answer so don't be embarrased by what you select. I've had students say baseball bats or Pringles cans were the thing they needed.||I would say a baseball bat or a can of Glade room freshener.||I'm not sure what size Glade you're talking about, but the one can
in my utility closet is about 2½ inches in diameter by 9½
inches long. Is that how big Scott needs to be?
Would you like me to put in an order for a toy about that size? It's about a half inch wider than your Olympic Inserts. Have your Olympic Inserts become too small?
|2) The pleasure I got then, even if it was wrong, was more than what I got from my husband.||I hate to admit it, but me too.||Ok. Certainly compared to now Mr. Rivers gave you more pleasure, but are you now saying Mr. Rivers has always been the best?||God I hate to say that. But I guess I have to admit it.||Now this is going to sound like an odd statement, but say it. Make a separate e-mail saying just that and detailing why.|
|3) When it stopped I wanted him to continue, but I also wanted to run away from him.||That was me too.||End|
|4) I hated sucking dick when I was a kid because I knew it was wrong, but I knew, even though it was wrong, pleasure would follow.||Me too.||End|
|5) I hated him licking my pussy because it was wrong but it felt good.||I agree.||You compared and contrasted the styles of oral sex from Mr. Rivers and Scott. You said Mr. Rivers was rough and made it hurt so good. What exactly did he do? What would Scott have to do to give you that sort of pleasure?||I don't know exactly. He would suck on my clit kind of hard to where it would hurt. Scott has actually done that a few times too, but I don't think he meant to. I think if he did that again, it would be good.||Was he sucking your clit through his teeth? And diddling your clit with his tongue inside of his teeth? Was he roughly nibbling your clit? If you liked it you need to tell Scott to do that. Tell him to be rough and make it hurt, and that you'll tell him where too much is.|
|6) I hated hand jobs in either direction. If I was doing him it was gross but pleasure followed. If he was doing me it was gross but pleasure followed.||I agree.||When Mr. Rivers gave you hand jobs did he just rub the outside or did he penetrate you with his finger? Did he use more than one finger? Did you mutually masturbate him?||He would start out with just the outside of my panties, then would slip one of his fingers underneath my panties then he would just take my panties completely off and use two fingers. He would ask me to masturbate him too (at the same time)||Did you like that? Did you like the way it made you feel? Would you like it if Scott would initiate sex with you like that?|
|7) Anything that made me wet was bad because it meant my bad body was going to feel good and I was going to be embarrassed and sore.||Yes.||What was the sorest he made you?||Well, that's hard to say. I would be sore for about half a day afterwards, but that was usual.||I know what that's like. At least you never had to take it in the ass too. So when you would wake up the next day all as well?|
|8) When it stopped I was left with a sadness and loss, not for the abuse, but for the pleasure. The shameful, dirty, dirty, pleasure.||Yes.||So you always enjoyed the pleasure and disliked it when it stopped?||Yes. But it was really on a subconscience level. I would never let myself think I enjoyed it. Deep down, I did dislike it when it stopped.||Good answer Sherry. I'm sure it's hard to say that out loud.|
|1) I like pleasure.||Yes!!!||Three exclamation points! Why do you deny yourself pleasure? You have Scott, who is or may be good at giving you oral sex and has verbalized a willingness to be taught, yet you deny yourself. Demand to be pleasured, you'll both enjoy it.||I don't know why I deny myself pleasure. Maybe I feel like Scott is disgusted by my fat body.||Is this why you stay fat? Is this why you are gaining back your fat from last summer? Are you projecting your body image onto Scott? I know you have pleasure by yourself and continue to deny Scott. Are you punishing all those who were bad to you by punishing Scott?|
|2) What happened in the past has nothing to do with now.||That's true.||End|
|3) I have no guilt or shame in what happened. It wasn't my fault, or of my making.||That's true.||End|
|4) I deserve pleasure.||I do too.||And you will get it when you stop denying yourself.||Yes, your'e right.||End|
|5) I can train Freddie to do what Mr. Giordano did. I can grow him so big I would have that feeling again.||Yes.|
|6) I can remove my shame one pound at a time and make myself desired.
Men want me, and even though women hate me, they still want to be like
at least look like me.
|Someday soon for me too.||You will Sherry, but not until make your commitment.||End|
|I got what I wanted, eventually, but it took a lot of hard work. I
have a huge hard dick in me again, and I love when I'm sitting on top and
moving my hips the way that monster feels inside me. Gawd it's good. And
if I put my hand on my lower abdomen I can feel it moving inside of me.
And as far as the orgasm score goes, I usually get two before he gets his first, and he stays hard for a second one for him, which means two or three more for me. And he did all the work. No toys. And no me touching myself either. And Freddie did it. Lifes great now, but I still have a dark closet. But it's so nice outside of that closet I never have to think about it anymore.
|Thank you Michelle for bearing your soul like you did. It was an eye opener for me.||You're welcome Sherry. Why exactly was it an eye opener for you?||It made me realize some things about myself that I hadn't realized before. That I really did enjoy it, The reason I made myself look so ugly when I was a teenager, The reason I kept myself fat (so that absolutely no one would want to fuck me or would find me attractive)||That's great Sherry. I'm glad my help has made you more self
Now, what would make me most proud of how much I have made a difference, and knowing my efforts have not gone unused, is knowing that you are following your plan. Proof is in your losing weight and getting fit, and stories about your happy marriage and how Scott is sexually satisfying you.
|I know you were a kid when this all happened but you said Mr. Rivers was very thick. So thick you thought he had torn you up down there. About how thick was he? As in compared to common household objects.||In reality, I don't think he was very big. But to me, I thought (at the time) he was pretty big. Like a very large cucumber. But really, he was probably about the size of a zucchini.||Zucchini? That's a pretty broud spectrum, some dimensions would help.|
|Was the sexual pleasure Mr. Rivers gave you during missionary sex because he was going deep or fast or what? Did he change speeds or did he just run at one speed?||He changed speeds to meet his needs.||What was the source of the sexual pleasure, Speed or depth or what?
How did his speed change make you feel?
|When Mr. Rivers was giving you oral sex you said you laid on your back. Was he also on the bed or was he sitting on the floor while you were near the edge of the bed?||He was on floor while I was on the edge of the bed.||I know you have said you would be ok with your husband guiding your head while you were getting a dose, would you like Scott to adopt a similar position as Mr. Rivers when pleasuring you orally?|
|When Mr. Rivers stopped seeing you and stopped pleasuring you with sex, how did you feel?||I had mixed feelings. I was glad the perv was out of my life, but I was also going to miss the sexual pleasure I felt and didn't think I would have again for a long time.||That's another very brave answer Sherry. And you haven't had it since apparently. Do you ever think you will have it again?|
|How did the end of Mr. Rivers "visits" come about?||We moved across town.||What do you think would've happened had your family not moved away?|
|How old were you when you first tried pleasuring yourself? You said you were already married, please correct your answer.||Yes, I was already married. In fact, I didn't start pleasuring myself until shortly before I was contacted by Monticello Institute. I would at first use this shower massager we had (until I wore it out). Then I would use dildo's. I'm thinking they were the ones given to me by Monticello.||End|
|After the molesting stopped, I have, in the past remembered fondly
the pleasure I got from Mr. Giordano. Have you ever had similar feelings
about the pleasure Mr. Rivers gave you?
Have you ever used what happened then to apply now?
|Yes I have.
In what way? I don't think I have though.
|How and when?
Like while you were in the middle of sex think back about how good Mr. Rivers was, or doing something differently to try and make the pleasure like it was then, or comparing who you were with at that moment with Mr. Rivers then. Have you?
|Did you know that many students while going through this deep Q and A debriefing have been known to stop what they are doing and have a quick *fun time* because they are remembering the inappropriate and unspeakable pleasure as they discuss it, and get turned on again. I'm guessing this happened to you as well last week, maybe right before your bill. Am I right?||
Well, not last week, but 5 minutes ago, yes. (hee hee) funny you should mention that.....
|I figured you rubbed one out August 11th while you were working on a reply. That was my guess...|
|Supplemental Questions||Supplemental Questions|
|New dose/sex assignment, since you seem to get aroused (wet)
during oral sex when it's "wrong" I want you to relocate your doses to
a community part of the house. Like the dining room or living room.
I also want you to change all of your doses in your bedroom to ones where
you leave your bedroom door open. Your daughter is usually
sleeping in the morning, so a pop in is unlikely. You should also
both be completely nude. Lights are optional now but will need to
be on very soon.
I'd also like you to start having sex in the community areas of your house as well. You'll both be completely nude etc.
|Tell Scott to initiate sex any time he wants. Tell him you will always say yes (except while Aunt Flow is in town). Tell him nothing is off the table and you will do whatever he wants however he want to do it.|